I became a mom 12 years ago with the birth of our first born son. Then we lost a child through a miscarriage, which brought me heartache like I had never known. Then we were blessed with our second born. The third time I became a mom was through adoption. It has tested my skills as a mom and showed me sides of myself I never knew existed-good and bad. Now I am hoping to become a mom a fourth time, to a child out there waiting to be adopted.
I have grown so much as a mom in those 12 years, it amazes me. But what amazes me more is how much I am still growing and changing. God is so patient and gracious and has guided me and shaped me through parenting my children.
And sometimes we just have to make hard choices. The past year God has really been stretching me and it has been very uncomfortable. I have cried and fought Him and even said "No!". But then I am humbly reminded that these are not my children but His.
Right now we are having to make a hard choice. Four years ago when we moved from Hawaii to Washington, God called me to home school the boys. I was dead set against it but God softened my heart and I followed (dragging my heels at times). But I am the first to say I was wrong. I fell in love with it and wished we had done it sooner. I became 100% pro home school!
Most of you know, but if you don't, when our daughter turned three, we moved to Washington and not long after that Darrick was deployed for 13 months. These events triggered memories of her abusive past and it came out in violent rages, fits and abuse. Only by the grace of God, amazing counselors at Bethany, and time (3 years) were we able to work through it. We are no way out of the woods, but she is a child of God and He is healing her and we are loving her and supporting her along the way.
But I was worried...how am I going to home school this child? By herself would be challenge enough, but with 2 other kids? I struggled...we are a home schooling family...this is what God has called us to...this is what we do...but deep in my soul I was conflicted.
One of my closest friends, invited me to attend an adoptive parents conference called Refresh. It was there that I first heard of Lisa Qualls. She spoke directly to my inner thoughts and I couldn't help but weep. My friend put her arms around me, knowing my conflict and hearing the words being spoken. They were meant for me. Lisa had birth children and adopted children. Some she home schooled and some went to traditional school...and it was ok to do different things for different kids. I spoke with her afterwards and told her how much her words meant to me. (I was able to reconnect with her at this years Refresh conference and give her an update).
It took a long while for me to come to peace with it but this school year our daughter started kindergarten at the local public school and she is doing AMAZING! It has been so good for all of us. And I thought that was that, the boys are home schooled, our daughter goes to school, we're good...until recently...
In December I became really sick and home schooling has become a challenge. Our oldest is motivated and independent, easy. Our second-not so much-by no fault of his own, just different personalities. In light of recent health news and a possible surgery, Darrick and I knew we had a hard choice to make. I met God on the wrestling mat and we have been going at it. Why do I think I know what is best? Pride, selfishness, stubbornness...I want to home school him, but God is saying not right now. How can I accept that and deal with it? Well, all I can say, through tears as I write this, I AM TRYING.
I finally went to my husband and asked him, as head of our family, if this is what he believes God wants us to do and he said Yes. It was at that moment I decided to let go and trust him and God.
So tomorrow morning at 9:15 am our guy starts 4th grade and I will be walking him to school in faith, that my God loves me and my son more than I know.
3 comments:
What a brave and beautiful story and testament of God gently guiding you along.
Jenn, I have been exactly where you are and know how hard it is. Just keep reminding yourself that Jacob is God's child first. He knows exactly what he needs! Hugs to you, my friend. I'm praying for you and Jacob!
Jenn, I so wanted to homeschool all of my kids, but some kids really do better in a different setting. After 2 years of homeschool, Elizabeth will be riding her bike with Peter to the public school in the fall. I know the difficult struggle it is, but, like you, we are praying God will work and protect and grow our children in whatever school they attend.
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