It is time for a reality check. Since Darrick and I have been married (14 years in August) we have now moved 9 times. And there is no doubt about it -moving stinks. I am to the point now where all the basics are out and unpacked and I am trying to find places for all our other stuff.
I miss Darrick like crazy. I cannot believe that he is not here to experience the joy of our first home and to help out.
But that is not what this post is about. It is about our daughter and the reality of what change does to her. We adopted Naomi 2 1/2 years ago and since then she has moved from Africa to Hawaii to CA for the summer, to Marysville and now to Everett and to top that all off her Daddy is deployed.
I am starting to notice a pattern in her behavior. Every time we experience a big life change she has a really hard time.
This move has triggered terrifying fears in her that her birth mom is going to find her and take her away. And with those fears comes aggression. She is pretty great during the day but right after story time it hits. She refuses to go to bed. When I put her in she comes back out and just says no. So I have been implementing the technique we were taught called "Time-In". The idea is to hold her on my lap for a time in so as to not put her in a time out when she disobeys and re-enforce the concept that you are bad and I don't want you near me. Time in says that you disobeyed but I still love you.
During these time ins I have to hold her arms and legs, avoid her mouth or she will bite and try to dodge her throwing her head back in an attempt to head butt me. She gave me a big head butt on Mother's Day and said "That is what you get for Mother's Day!" Nice. She yells that I don't love her, I'm ruining her life, I'm the meanest mom, etc. Now the reality of it is that she is not yelling those things at me, but at her birth mom but they still hurt.
Once she is calm I let her go and she (and I) are so exhausted she falls asleep. She tells me she is sorry that she said those mean things and that I am the best mom and she loves me.
There is no telling how long this phase will last but it is exhausting especially when I have to do it all by myself and there is no one to give me a break in a heated moment.
The other night as we said bedtime prayers after the episode was over I was just so overcome with sadness for her. I prayed fervently that God will heal her pain and restore her joy and carefree spirit that a 4 1/2 year old should have. What else can I do?
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4 comments:
Feeling your hurt with you. Crying with you. You all are doing an amazing job and trust me I know just how tired you are! I wish I could give you a break that you so badly deserve and need. Just know that you are doing so much right and think of the amazing future that you are setting sweet Naomi up for. My love to you, the boys, Naomi, Darrick and Ollie:)
Thank you for your honesty too. This is hard, I give you credit for being so vulnerable, and credit to your support group for letting you share your battles.
I really don't know what to say. Sometimes I wish I was not in the Navy but am good at it and it allows me to provide for my family. But why does it stink so bad sometimes. My family is going through this hard time and where I am at is a terrible and thankless mission. Lord please heal our daughter quickly. She deserves to be happy and her mom deserves to relax.
Jenn, you are doing a great job being a mom and a navy wife. It takes a very special person to handle the things you do. With all honesty I couldn't handle the things you have. But God has put you in this position only because he knows you have the love, strength and faith to do it! As for Naomi, everything is an adjustment and your doing your very best, I pray she's back to her happy go lucky self soon.. Always keeping the Hays family in our prayers and we can't wait to see all of you again when you make your next trip down here!
I'm sorry to hear. We've gone through the trantrums too and not only is it exhausting but pure sadness. Keep the prayers lifted up and we too, will lift you up!
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