Emotions

It is 1:30 am and I cannot sleep. Everyone else in the house has been asleep for quite a while, except me. I am so exhausted that my eyes hurt but sleep won't come.

Today was a tough day. Knowing that it is already less then a week until he is gone. I feel like the time is slipping through my fingers too fast. The kids are starting to show their normal signs that Daddy is leaving. Micah is emotional, Jacob is naughty and Naomi is not sure how to act.

Tonight I had to cry. I had been holding it back and it just broke through. I don't like going there because when I think of being without Darrick for the next year it is the most empty and sad feeling I have ever felt. I love this man and having a family with him. It is just not the same when he is not around to share the joys and sorrows with.

I struggle with wanting the next year to fly by vs. cherishing my kids and each day during the next year. We can't put life and experiences on hold just because Darrick is gone.

What I dislike the most is that nothing I can do will change our situation for the next year and I have to go through it. It is coming whether I want it to or not.

One of my best friends is about to have a baby and her due date is August 9. It is ironic to me how she will be having one of the best days of her life while I am having one of my worst. Life is funny like that.

Most of the time I feel really peaceful about the whole situation. I have entered my numbing mode. The emotions hurt too bad so I just try not to feel them. But then they come out tonight in tears.

I know we will be okay but I still wonder why we have to go through this. Why our family? I know we can do this but I don't want to.

I'm just having a bad night...hopefully it will all look better in the morning...if I can get to sleep.